“I Don’t Have Time For That!!!”

Those of us who have loved ones with an illness eventually discover the critical need for self-care, sometimes the hard way. All the challenges we face: Obtaining vitally important support services; taking on the cost of therapies and medications; wondering how to deal with someone who may be unstable; worrying constantly about what the future may bring, and more – it can all be overwhelming!  Often the last thing that crosses our mind is making sure we are staying healthy, balanced and sane. In fact, it’s not uncommon for caregivers to subscribe to the notion that self-care is selfish, “But he/she comes first!”

Spotting That Look

As a Family Support Group Facilitator in the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) for several years, I quickly learned to spot that look in the eyes of newcomers who are barely hanging on by a thread, and when I asked them what they were doing for themselves they usually shrugged their shoulders and sighed, “Who has time for that?”  But as we often shared in our groups, what do they tell mothers with small children in airplanes regarding the use of oxygen masks in an emergency?  If we do not take care of ourselves, who will?  And if we lose our ability to function well, who then will take care of our loved ones?

Tempting Burnout

The harsh reality is that if we deplete ourselves, we will not only have less presence of mind, patience and energy to face the unpredictability of each day, but we seriously risk our own health as well. If you are feeling overwhelmed, lonely, frequently angry and irritable or guilty, and/or crying a lot, you are likely at risk of burnout. Maintaining a rigid identification with duty and responsibility for others, while ignoring our own needs, is a major risk factor for chronic illness. Studies have shown that failing to attend to our own needs while under stress cripples our immune system. Self-care is not selfish, it is paramount!

What Can We Do?

• Skillfully demand support from any resources at our disposal – learn how to be an effective advocate.
• Take a break – sometimes we just have to step away, however that is humanly possible. Be kind to yourself.
• Ask for help from friends, family, clergy, therapists, etc.
• Express how we feel – holding the feelings in is dangerous to our welfare.
• Make a list of activities that nourish us, and build one or more of these into our days – reading, journaling, talking walks, gardening, calling a supportive friend, taking time for a hot bath or nap.

Being Compassionately Present 

Another tool that can be extremely useful is mindfulness practice – learning to repeatedly bring attention to our current experience, moment-to-moment in a curious, non-judgmental way. We can easily find ourselves in an “automatic pilot” mode, where we travel through our days without really paying attention to much of anything. When we are unaware of the present moment, we are literally absent from our own life. Mindfulness-based practices like meditation and yoga are both potent antidotes for stress, but also a powerful means for knowing what we need as we compassionately notice out thoughts, feelings and body sensations, and see how they all connect to how we are responding/reacting to life. Rather than being lost in painful past memories or anxiety about the future, there is so much greater value in noticing what is happening right now, and being able to do what is best needed in the moment.

Practicing Self-Care

In a difficult moment, we can also place our hands on our body to soothe ourselves, saying either silently or out loud these self-soothing phrases, “This is hard.”, “I am not alone.”, and “May I find my balance.” We all face emotional and physical difficulties. This is a shared human experience. Suffering comes in many different forms and we experience it. When it shows up, we can reassure ourselves that we are not alone, making a conscious intention to return to our center, a feeling of balance.